Snow Day

These are just random shots, the remains of the sycamore, pattern made by my Mom's flower bed, my farting dog digging up grandma and grandpa, cabbages in the snow (maybe that's why the dog farts so much), and my Mom's front porch swing, not exactly a hot seat is it?

There are more pictures featuring the dogs (an Oliver's web debut) on http://poidogz.blogspot.com

Does this shirt make me look crazy?

I finally settled on a funky T-shirt that has some stitching on it and some lettering about Mexico, but deciding what to wear to a first visit to the therapist is just a hoot. I finally just decided to wear what I would wear for the rest of the day and not worry about it-after all, it's all about self disclosure, right?

Session went good, lots of questions, lots of answers (from me). Wouldn't it be great to be able to establish a baseline without that first visit?

By the way, I don't think I'm crazy-I just need some guidance in getting my bearings again. Pretty much like some of my wanderings on the road, I roam around lost until I am ready to be found again, then off I go. But, I would like to be more mindful of what I do.

Jumping into this new phase (move to Oklahoma, live near parents) really wasn't a spur of the moment idea-I had been toying with it for several years. If I had known what it would involve, I probably wouldn't have done it. But, I'm here, and I am going to go through it not around it. With my age, and my parent's age, there isn't likely to be a second chance.

Being human is so hard, as Mim says. But lately I've felt more human and less mask than I have in a long time.

Does skipping Monday Help?

I decided just to ignore Monday completely-in fact, I'm giving in to my general funkishness for the next couple of days. I'm piddling around the house, doing what I can when I can, and not looking at any grand schemes.

Tomorrow I'll meet with my counselor and look at what issues I want to look at. ICK. Maybe that is why I'm in a funk-I'd rather just stay here safe in my little box. I've pretty much resolved all I can solo, and now am in to the confronting/collaborating stage ICK ICK ICK.

I seem to be learning the subtle difference between doormat and just choosing your battles. That's a good and surprising thing. I'm also learning that I need to put some energy back into myself because no one else can work on me but ME.

We have a new twist on power outages-today it's just the wind blowing lines down, no ice, no snow, no rain. I sat on the sun porch until it got scary, then I went down to my folks. Bad idea-they were both cross and out of sorts because of the wind. So, I left, nicely, but I no longer feel the need to hang out and try to fix their cranky moods. I also recognize their right to be cranky-and I will defend to the death MY right to be cranky too!

So, Tuesday happens whether you acknowledge Monday or not.

Put it on auto pilot or what?

Daily Horoscope by Astrology.com
Sunday January 27, 2008
Scorpio
You're going through some weirdness right now, but that's not such a big deal -- in fact, most of the serious business is happening unconsciously, so you ought to be able to get on with life.

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This is the horoscope equivalent of someone coming up to you after a bad spill on your bicycle, looking at the blood gushing out of your knee and asking "are you OK?" Oh well, guess I'll go get on with my life while my subconscious works out the details. I suppose it is nice to have cosmic permission to go plant some lilies and such.

Cosmic Woo woo

Ok, I decided to say STOP-cancelled hair, cancelled Uncle John/Mom. I thought about what I would do if I didn't have obligations, wasn't grown up and could do anything that I want to do. Then I thought about all the unfinished things I have around the house, and realized something-I don't finish them because I don't value them-because I don't value myself.



I started with something easy. I made Bitty a pen with another ex pen I had, right out in the sunnyspot, then pulled a park bench I already had out in the sunny spot and then I just sat down in the yard with my dogs. I do value the dogs, but what was missing was my time with them.



Prissy has her lessons, the old ones have medicines, but it's been ages since we all just lounged around as one big unit. After they realized I wasn't going anywhere, they settled down and just were who they are. (more about that on the other blog).



Here's the deal-women and I include myself in that, define ourselves most by what we do for others each day. Taken to the extreme, you end up like me-a basket case of resentment and passive agression (won't say no, but then cancel).



I totally get the shopping addiction thing. Totally-look around-most of my mess is unused stuff. I want it, therefore I should have it, I get it, no, I really don't deserve it. I totally get my Mom's food hoarding-I might need it. (Just because I don't do it doesn't mean I don't understand). I completely get animal hoarding-low self esteem, but I can SAVE them. The part I don't get is that they don't socialize the animals but maybe that is the part like shopping where you buy 75 pairs of shoes but don't wear them.



It's like we, us, them, are all striving for something that we won't let ourselves have. And that is the cosmic key-just won't let ourselves. Because even if we buy the shoes, we don't wear them. Ok, the bean can doesn't fit, because Mom uses her food...BUT she has that waste not clause going on in HER head.

Now, I actually had prepared a more upbeat post in my head about finding something you already have and then using it, and enjoying it. But this mess came out instead and I think it has more meaning if a little less polish.

The woo woo part is this showed up in my inbox when I was getting ready to write the other post...


Daily Horoscope by Astrology.com
Saturday January 26, 2008
Scorpio
There's no need to do additional research -- you've got all the information you need to make your plans now. In fact, looking up more facts should only confuse things, so stick with what you've got.

By the way cosmic forces, I like emails better than trees falling on my head. Thanks again!

By the way-I am going to start counseling next week, as in getting some. I think I'm close to my own answers, but need some additional coaching in order to make sense of it all.

I want

I want a boat I want a horse
I want a champion agility dog
I want a happy home
I want a clean and organized space
I want money
I want to sleep all day
I want to laze, but blaze a trail for others to follow
I want time
I want recognition; please leave me alone
Don't notice me but don't forget me

What do I really want?

THE FOG

Ok, it's not really that foggy, but it is a bit foggy and I love love the fog as long as I don't have to drive in it. I love the way the air is almost liquid-feels good on sinuses. I love the muffled quality noise takes on on a foggy day. I love the smell of the wet grass.

I actually woke up in a funk, that has somewhat lifted due to the wonderful fog. You might say, the fog cleared my head. Or, you might say I've beaten this dead horse to death....enough of the fog!

But I do like it a lot.