All Wet

I am fine, and I appreciate the concern from those who asked.  We don't live near a river, and the street flooding hasn't threatened the house at all.  The backyard floods, but runs off into the street.  I got a break in between storms around 8 pm and dashed over to sonic for ice and milk so I don't have to go out.

I've heard the streets are a mess and I'm sure down by the river is not pretty.  Casper's regular stable is on the river, but he's at horsey camp right now, so he's safe too.

Moon has decided to be thunder phobic-so 24 hours of Thunderstorms is wearing on him, but the other dogs are stoic.  I think, like people, the rain makes them sleepy so they just sleep.  I stuck Oliver the Parrot out in the dog room today and he talked to them allllllllll day-so everyone is exhuasted and hopefully will sleep well tonight.

I cannot lie-I haven't watched the news and I slept all day too-I worked outside Fri/Sat/Sun at a dog trial and am was just exhausted.  I didn't plan on taking it this easy today-but I'm glad I did-nothing like sleeping away a rainy day.

This is my brain on....

I am switching anti depressant cocktails again-I don't really know if the Celexa ever worked, or just provided me with a "eh, I don't care attitude" so much so that I didn't care if it worked.  Strangely enough, I don't care.  Hah.  It's one of those things that if I knew the answer to the question, I still wouldn't have any useful information.  It's not working NOW-so off we go hi ho hi ho.

The human brain is the ultimate adaptive vehicle, and staying one step ahead of my brain to keep it running well has been a lifetime undertaking. Some of the things that make it work really well in some situations, make it difficult to manage in others.  When it's in FOCUS mode-I can do amazing things-that is unless it's focused on the wrong thing.  When it's not in FOCUS mode, I have rampant ADD, or I am a multitasking genius, take your pick.

One of the things I was thinking about while in this "make no decisions, no changes mode" is how far I've come in my new world since moving to OKC.  I have new friends who are local and dog/horse oriented.  None of them have ever seen me in a suit, some have no clue I used to be really fat or travel a lot in my former occupations.

Of course, then a voice has to ask "and so, what GOOD does that do you or anyone else."  To answer the voice refer to paragraph 2.  I think one of the things that allows me to somewhat succeed with the brain I have is that I DO adapt and try new things, and I don't let being the newbie or feeling stupid stop me from doing what I want to do.

Brace yourself-can you believe Solo pup and I are taking a conformation class?  Conformation is dog beauty, it's all politics, completely useless, and something I've always wanted to try.  Solo is nominated by virtue of his intact testicles and the fact that it won't interfere with his agility training.

Moondog, my brilliant tortured genius dog and I are in a freestyle class and will compete in an event in September.  Yep, that was my next step-quit training and compete in SOMETHING.  Moondog is now old enough to jump, etc so we are working on a routine.  Freestyle is dog dancing, costumes are involved.  WHAT was I thinking?

Molly is pinch hitting for Moondog in flyball-as she is the only other dog who is old enough to do box turns and I made a commitment to a team.   If any of you seek to actualize yourself via dogs-take a hint from me and do NOT get a puppy unless you are patient.  This path of puppy experimentation is only now starting to pay off, and Moon will soon be two.

That's another thing about me that doesn't reconcile.  I am both the most impatient person in the world and will also undertake things that take years to achieve.  I have actually spent the same length of time and about as much effort in Moon as it would take to get an associate's degree, but that is just where my focus has been.  Right or wrong?  I don't think that value applies.  It just is.

If there is one thing I HAVE learned, it's not to let someone else's value system control how you spend your time, because at the end of the trail, how you spent your time is all you are going to take with you.

Progress Update

Casper is scheduled to go off to training next week-and I'll be joining him.  We found a wonderful trainer in the area who specializes in middle age women who are a bit timid but want to learn.  Ok, I made the specializes part up-but a lot of her clients are just that.  IN THE AREA is so important-I'll be able to go ot twice a week and ride and visit.  Many trainers do not want visits or to give lessons, and that is why I haven't sent him before.

Casper is not just any horse, he's MY horse.  I can evaluate him and know his failings and shortcomings, and couldn't care less-he gets, oh, about 48 years of pent up, starved for a horse,  love.  We've had slow beginnings because I knew nothing, and had to teach myself how to get involved in the horse community etc, but I'm getting the hang of it now.

I won a breeding to a very nice stallion last week-had a moment of thinking maybe I'd by a mare.....but I am going to either sell or give away the stud service.  I can't afford another horse, and I'd be about 55 before this new horse would even be rideable assuming I could afford training.  I'm better off spending that time riding and loving the horse I have.

I am not sure where this blog is headed.  I thought about creating a new one for a new direction, but the truth is, it's always just been about what's in my head at the moment-so we'll just stay here-me and the voices in my head.

Wow

Do you ever just break down and cry over the strangest things?  Last night I boo hoo'd for a good 20 minutes.  I am trying to get myself and my life in order, and I had to think about turning 50, and if I wanted to do the Great White Shark swim (because I need to get the deposit in if I do).

So, I thought about it-and what I wanted to get out of it.  Certainly having strangers see me in a wet suit doing something brave/foolish had no appeal.  For me, it was about the experience of seeing and being experienced by such a great animal.  And then it hit me-(perhaps because I work so much with animals, I am pretty adept at understanding them) the shark really won't experience ME at all.  It will examine the cage, examine me and determine I'm not food-and then it absolutely will not care.

And with that thought I wailed and wailed.  You would have thought I just realized I was all alone in the universe-and for a moment I was.  Because I realized that, no matter how badly I might want a connection or an outcome, sometimes sheer desire just isn't enough, and there is absolutely nothing, nada nilch, I can do about it.

When I realized I couldn't switch off the waterworks, I just went with it.  Trying NOT to cry always gives me a huge headache and then I cry anway, so I bawled like a sick calf.  The only way I could get the Great White Shark to notice me would be to feed it a leg-and I'm just not willing to do that.  Even in the midst of my tears I realized that pretty much sums up a lot of human relationships too.

So I am taking my GWS birthday money and buying some training for Casper, who does notice me.  I will get a lot more benefit out of this than 30 minutes in the water with something who doesn't even know I'm there.  I may be growing up even if I do cry over spilt sharks.

I'm headed for Tulsa

I'm headed to Tulsa with a friend to see a dog show.  I hope everyone is well, and has a safe (safe) uh, safe holiday weekend.  If you are on the road, keep an extra eye out, and if it's hot, drink lots of water.  I appreciate all your good wishes-I'm doing Ok.

The Phantom Of Blogopera

I'm waiting for the Alleve to kick in-and this is a good thing to do while that happens.  Emotionally I am in the storm right now-fully engaged in my life and digging through the rubble of what I've drug in when I lived in the land of dreams and wishes.  I'm picking out those things I want to keep and work on, and letting go of what, however nice it would be, I won't have time to do.  I have a lot of rubble.

I'm making progress beyond where I was when I fell off Casper.  That loss of momentum really hurt more than the aches and pains did-and a groin injury IS painful.  But that's all it was, loss of momentum, not the end of all things.  One of things I did was ask my friend if she would take Casper back, and when she said yes I told her to let me think about how that would feel.

Honestly, and without drama, it felt like I might as well die.  I think I've written here that when I was in Mexico going under, my only regret was not having a horse.  And having a horse has been nothing like I thought it would be, but it has been so much more than I ever dreamed.  Casper can rip my confidence to shreds and send it over the moon.  Unlike my dogs, he is not devoted to me-he loves everybody.  But he does trust and respect me.  He'd be happy without me, but I wouldn't be happy without him.  Casper stays.

The snakes are gone-I put the last of them down.  100 percent fatal virus was, well, 100 percent.  Death never seems to cut me slack.  This is my second complete wipe out and I'm done with it.  Winters are too worrisome and hard to deal with with reptiles, and virus are hideous too.

I'm hauling a load of decorating/craft/horse rubble to Cookson Hill's Christian Ministries tomorrow-the kids will enjoy the stuff and I'll enjoy visiting with Grandma Wilkerson and Michelle (who breeds my border collies).  Solo man is riding shotgun-he's doing well in his classes and as firstborn child of Michelle's up and coming stud dog-she'd like to take a look at him.

The mustang is gone.  I traded it for a truck.  Daddy was driving the dog car as his car (he drives maybe once a week) but I know he didn't like it.  He had trouble getting in and out of the Mustang-so I just decided we needed and truck and that's what we did.  The day we went truck trading was a good day for us both-I don't miss the car and I have a really really nice memory with my father.

I'm finishing up post cards and will mail them-and maybe one day I'll even scan and post the ones I've received.  I feel bad about not being current with those things-one day I hope to be current again on life-but right now my focus seems to be somewhere else.

The good news is,  I am at least focused somewhere.  For so long I've been focused on everything at once and nothing at all.  It's not a good way to be, it's neither comfortable nor happy.  I'm still not comfortable-and that's ok-life isn't always comfortable, but I am confident enough to explore options for comfort rather than hide away from it all.

Physically, I'm getting better every day.  I still have some pain, but now am able to work my body so that I'm tired at night and sleep easily, and that is a great mental relief.  I'm looking forward to Boston in a couple of weeks- a weekend of celebrations, frienship and laughter.  Most likely there will be a few tears also-we lost yet another friend last week.

I'm checking out of the hotel at noon Saturday-and just need to know where to show up and I will belong to you guys till Sunday evening.  My mind is still a bit warped about going so far for such a short time-the novelty of that is almost as exciting as the company!

Dreams

Michele wrote an interesting post about Forgotten Dreams.

Honestly, there isn't that much I haven't done in some shape or fashion.  I haven't swam with a Great White Shark, but I saw one-yes it was in a tank, but in many ways that was better.  At any rate, it was more comfortable.

I got some letters after my name, which I never use.  I've owned homes and cars-the usual things people think about growing up.  I even have my wonderful horse now.  I've shared space with dogs and cats and birds and other amazing aimals.  I've taken a few good pictures here and there and had my own office with a big wooden desk.  I've almost made it to 50-which is something I never even intended to do.

It's a very strange head space to be in, living in a age you never imagined you'd reach or planned for.  I've never had a terribly strong grip to this world or life.  I wake up sometimes and think "oh, still here I see."  I've been knocked out a few times and when I came to my first thoughts were always trying to figure out exactly "where" I landed, but I don't recall ever being disturbed by the notion that I might be dead.

When I was in Mexico having my lap band surgery, I realized a few seconds before they put me under that I was getting ready to be unconscious, alone in a foreign country, in a not so nice area of said country, and that no one in the family knew where I was.  No one knew what the name of the sugery practice was or how to contact me, so if I didn't wake up or they threw me in the swamp, no one would even know where to look.  "wow" I thought when that realization hit, and thanks in part to drugs, then next thought was "oh well, too late to worry about it now."

What I DID worry about was thinking hard about what I'd regret not doing if I didn't wake up and still had memories of this life.  I really was sorry I'd never owned a horse.  Really, I didn't think about telling so and so I loved them or any of that stuff you are supposed to think about.

A few years later, back in Oklahoma, going under for another surgery, my thought was "I don't care where I wake up as long as it feels better than I do now...."

A year or so after that, TRYING to wake up after falling off the horse, I thought "well shit, I had to have that horse didn't I?"

I've always considered myself to be a deep thinking kind of person-but when it comes to life and death stuff, I'm pretty damn simple.