Thursday, January 31, 2008

Snow Day

These are just random shots, the remains of the sycamore, pattern made by my Mom's flower bed, my farting dog digging up grandma and grandpa, cabbages in the snow (maybe that's why the dog farts so much), and my Mom's front porch swing, not exactly a hot seat is it?
There are more pictures featuring the dogs (an Oliver's web debut) on

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Does this shirt make me look crazy?

I finally settled on a funky T-shirt that has some stitching on it and some lettering about Mexico, but deciding what to wear to a first visit to the therapist is just a hoot. I finally just decided to wear what I would wear for the rest of the day and not worry about it-after all, it's all about self disclosure, right?

Session went good, lots of questions, lots of answers (from me). Wouldn't it be great to be able to establish a baseline without that first visit?

By the way, I don't think I'm crazy-I just need some guidance in getting my bearings again. Pretty much like some of my wanderings on the road, I roam around lost until I am ready to be found again, then off I go. But, I would like to be more mindful of what I do.

Jumping into this new phase (move to Oklahoma, live near parents) really wasn't a spur of the moment idea-I had been toying with it for several years. If I had known what it would involve, I probably wouldn't have done it. But, I'm here, and I am going to go through it not around it. With my age, and my parent's age, there isn't likely to be a second chance.

Being human is so hard, as Mim says. But lately I've felt more human and less mask than I have in a long time.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Does skipping Monday Help?

I decided just to ignore Monday completely-in fact, I'm giving in to my general funkishness for the next couple of days. I'm piddling around the house, doing what I can when I can, and not looking at any grand schemes.

Tomorrow I'll meet with my counselor and look at what issues I want to look at. ICK. Maybe that is why I'm in a funk-I'd rather just stay here safe in my little box. I've pretty much resolved all I can solo, and now am in to the confronting/collaborating stage ICK ICK ICK.

I seem to be learning the subtle difference between doormat and just choosing your battles. That's a good and surprising thing. I'm also learning that I need to put some energy back into myself because no one else can work on me but ME.

We have a new twist on power outages-today it's just the wind blowing lines down, no ice, no snow, no rain. I sat on the sun porch until it got scary, then I went down to my folks. Bad idea-they were both cross and out of sorts because of the wind. So, I left, nicely, but I no longer feel the need to hang out and try to fix their cranky moods. I also recognize their right to be cranky-and I will defend to the death MY right to be cranky too!

So, Tuesday happens whether you acknowledge Monday or not.

Sunday, January 27, 2008

Put it on auto pilot or what?

Daily Horoscope by
Sunday January 27, 2008
You're going through some weirdness right now, but that's not such a big deal -- in fact, most of the serious business is happening unconsciously, so you ought to be able to get on with life.

This is the horoscope equivalent of someone coming up to you after a bad spill on your bicycle, looking at the blood gushing out of your knee and asking "are you OK?" Oh well, guess I'll go get on with my life while my subconscious works out the details. I suppose it is nice to have cosmic permission to go plant some lilies and such.

Saturday, January 26, 2008

Cosmic Woo woo

Ok, I decided to say STOP-cancelled hair, cancelled Uncle John/Mom. I thought about what I would do if I didn't have obligations, wasn't grown up and could do anything that I want to do. Then I thought about all the unfinished things I have around the house, and realized something-I don't finish them because I don't value them-because I don't value myself.

I started with something easy. I made Bitty a pen with another ex pen I had, right out in the sunnyspot, then pulled a park bench I already had out in the sunny spot and then I just sat down in the yard with my dogs. I do value the dogs, but what was missing was my time with them.

Prissy has her lessons, the old ones have medicines, but it's been ages since we all just lounged around as one big unit. After they realized I wasn't going anywhere, they settled down and just were who they are. (more about that on the other blog).

Here's the deal-women and I include myself in that, define ourselves most by what we do for others each day. Taken to the extreme, you end up like me-a basket case of resentment and passive agression (won't say no, but then cancel).

I totally get the shopping addiction thing. Totally-look around-most of my mess is unused stuff. I want it, therefore I should have it, I get it, no, I really don't deserve it. I totally get my Mom's food hoarding-I might need it. (Just because I don't do it doesn't mean I don't understand). I completely get animal hoarding-low self esteem, but I can SAVE them. The part I don't get is that they don't socialize the animals but maybe that is the part like shopping where you buy 75 pairs of shoes but don't wear them.

It's like we, us, them, are all striving for something that we won't let ourselves have. And that is the cosmic key-just won't let ourselves. Because even if we buy the shoes, we don't wear them. Ok, the bean can doesn't fit, because Mom uses her food...BUT she has that waste not clause going on in HER head.

Now, I actually had prepared a more upbeat post in my head about finding something you already have and then using it, and enjoying it. But this mess came out instead and I think it has more meaning if a little less polish.

The woo woo part is this showed up in my inbox when I was getting ready to write the other post...

Daily Horoscope by
Saturday January 26, 2008
There's no need to do additional research -- you've got all the information you need to make your plans now. In fact, looking up more facts should only confuse things, so stick with what you've got.

By the way cosmic forces, I like emails better than trees falling on my head. Thanks again!

By the way-I am going to start counseling next week, as in getting some. I think I'm close to my own answers, but need some additional coaching in order to make sense of it all.

I want

I want a boat I want a horse
I want a champion agility dog
I want a happy home
I want a clean and organized space
I want money
I want to sleep all day
I want to laze, but blaze a trail for others to follow
I want time
I want recognition; please leave me alone
Don't notice me but don't forget me

What do I really want?


Ok, it's not really that foggy, but it is a bit foggy and I love love the fog as long as I don't have to drive in it. I love the way the air is almost liquid-feels good on sinuses. I love the muffled quality noise takes on on a foggy day. I love the smell of the wet grass.

I actually woke up in a funk, that has somewhat lifted due to the wonderful fog. You might say, the fog cleared my head. Or, you might say I've beaten this dead horse to death....enough of the fog!

But I do like it a lot.

Friday, January 25, 2008

Illustration Friday-Tales and Legends

Be kind-I spent the morning (since 3 am) at the hospital with Uncle John. He's fine, fell, a few stitches. I'm pooped and going to bed but I had fun with this to unwind.

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Lawd Lawd Lawd (yeah it's been awhile hasn't it?)

Woke up today, ba da ba dam
The snake was dead.
The dog was crying and I was hurtin in the head....

Lawd Lawd Lawd
I say Lawdy Lawdy Lawd

Elvis is gone, so's the tree, could you please, lighten up on me?
Lawd Lawd Lawd
I say Lawdy Lawdy Lawdy Lawd...

Give me a break, I 'm almost out of snakes.......

Rambling sadness

Elvis died. He got out of his warm area and didn't make it back in. Farewell my little kingsnake.

I took out his body and then went down for coffee at Mom and Dad's, told them and burst into tears. They looked horribly uncomfortable. So between sniffles I said "I'm not asking you to do anything, I didn't realize I would cry, but now just witness my grief and understand that I'm sad."

Pretty soon we were able to get back to business-things needed to be looked up, water aerobic is cancelled till next month (pool rehab)...and WHEN will I go see John?

"Not today, today I am sad, I've had enough stress and bad news for the past week and John is warm, safe and dry. But I'm not, and I'm in no shape to render comfort. We'll go tomorrow".

This was taken remarkably well, no one talked about what I should do, what I should feel...setting boundaries is not nearly as difficult as I first imagined, and my parents are not nearly clueless as I thought they were.

I did make a dramatic entrance, walking in to their house and dropping an F bomb. "I hate that fucking sycamore tree...." but it needed to be said.

I'm going to flatten the remaining stump and then carve it into a totem pole. I thought about doing it when it was 10 feet high, but that violated my no ladder agreement with Mom. Now that it's 4 feet high, it's fair game. The neighbor behind me had the same idea, and since it faces his house, it's good to have his support.

I will have to utilize the chain saw....sigh, so many safety obstacles to overcome.

Tomorrow I get my hair trimmed, and I will evaluate the home of my hairdresser's neighbor, also my neighbor since it's one block over. They have another litter of newborn chihuahuas, left outside. It may be time for the female to go missing, and returned suddenly spayed.

The dogs are owned by the daughters-highschool and college age. I suppose in reality I will make an effort to talk to them, but it would be so much easier just to lift the dog and return, I won't, but I'd like to.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Well one thing...

I am no longer invisible. I noticed this at the Tampa and DFW airports. I was prowling around, looking at people, and to my horror, they were looking BACK. As a large person, I could pretty much look at whoever I wanted to, as long as I wanted to, sketch them, draw them, and no one would talk to me unless I initiated conversation. As a writer, this was heaven.

Imagine my surprise when I was watching a man on the up escaltor as I was heading downward...and he smiled at me. Yep, The M*F* SMILED. I smiled back, I do have a modicum of social graces.

I scurried on to meet my plane, suddenly, awkwardly aware that people were watching me..oh, not everyone. But suddenly I had become someone of interest. I'm clearly going to have to keep better custody of the eyes as they say over at the nunnery.

What WAS it?

I felt for awhile like a change was coming, and now something definitely seems to have changed, but I am not sure what the change WAS. Maybe it's just a settling in and acceptance of life as it is, an understanding of the potential risks and rewards. I definitely feel more centered and present in what is happening around me, not lollygagging around in what might be or what should be.

Mom has finally gotten and is truly shocked by how insecure I really am. I, in turn, am shocked that she didn't know this. A funny thing happened though-she was lecturing me on the topic..."I don't know WHY you have such low self esteem, you are attractive if you try, you are smart, although you have zero common sense.........." her voice trailed off....but she recovered. "Oh, nevermind, let's just go do water aerobics and forget all about this stuff...." I laughed and agreed.

But Mom is as much a prisoner of her generation as I am of mine. The Depression, tough times and ne'er do wells made it important to teach your children to be "just like you" if you wanted them to turn out. My generation had more options that theirs did not have, and they weren't equipped to help us through all those options.

And, I think for both of them, "not thinking about it" was the best way to get by a sometimes rough child hood. Unfortunately, I do enough thinking for all of us.

But we are coming to understand that my dogs/critters give me the same thing her cooking gives to her. It's where we connect with ourselves. Stranger still, we are both coming to accept it in the other.

If I hadn't had one other positive experience over the last 6 months-I think this insight would be worth all the other drama/trauma. How many people get to come to that point? In this day of scattered families, not that many. This is my lucky break, and I am glad I have the sense to realize it...hell, maybe even common sense.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Coming to you live...

From Daddy's computer. Still out of power-tree is coming down slowly cause it's windy. I don't want anyone to be hurt.

Had the pleasure of revisiting Monday mornings at the Cowden house again. Mom is a viper in the mornings, a pit viper. Both she and Daddy had Dr. appointments today, so I ducked out, got some coffee, and ducked back in until it was safe. But I did it with very little wounded feelings. I don't get wounded when my animals are who they are, why should my Mom being who she is wound me? Cause, duh, it's not about me or anything I've done. I wish I had known that about 40 years ago.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (again) (still)

The electric company didn't make it out till around midnight-I asked them to get everyone else turned on and leave my lines down so that we could finish the tree without further mishaps. It made for a chilly evening.

I dozed fitfully with Oliver. Around 1, the rest of the street got power restored, but I was too lazy to schlep down to Mom and Dad's, I just stayed burrowed in. I reckon Oliver and I will bunk down here tonight. Without a 4 inch layer of ice, the house cools off much quicker than without. Or maybe it's just really that much colder right now.

Another "winter blast" is headed our way tomorrow so now it's a race to get the tree down before it blows down.

All feelings of remorse I have for the venerable old tree's demise are gone. What a stinker it's been, and every neighbor who's property touches mine has said they are glad it's going. So apparently the old sycamore has been a cause for concern for some depending on which way the wind was blowing.

Something else happened too. The tree knocked down the power line, the neighbors came running and I walked out in full "Project Manager" mode. This is not easy to pull off in pink pj pants, pink pj tshirt and a long sleeved orange shirt hastily pulled over...and sandals. But. in true PM fashion, I through aside all thought about what I looked like, what I felt liked and just dealt with the issues.

Sol was mortified, but I walked out, apologized, slapped Sol on the back and laughed about it. "Sorry guys, but the tree has to come down and there is only way to do it-just do it."...and everyone laughed, agreed and said they were glad to see it go. I did critique myself a bit "I wish I had done it sooner, I didn't realize what a hazard it was when I bought the place."

Sol is still mortified, but getting his confidence back. This morning he told Daddy "this has never happened before," and Daddy and I agreed that that's how you learn.

What really shook me up was how ugly it could have gotten. Sol is from Guatemala, he's not illegal, but he has brown skin and a Spanish accent. I was able to diffuse it simply by walking out and claiming my tree and my carnage-it was ME they would have to deal with, not Sol. So, I pulled a face out of the bag that no one in these parts had ever seen before.

I wonder, do people KNOW when they are seeing someone else, a different mask, or do they just react and not think about it? What an epiphany, that, I could be that person, HERE. I never thought that face would play out here-so that tree falling down might have been a great cosmic nudge. And for that, I'd like to say Thank You.

Saturday, January 19, 2008


The minute I hit send on the last entry there came a loud thump, the lights went out and the burnng smell started.

Sol and his brother were working on the sycamore, dropped a line on the transformer, and the fire was in Carol's backyard. While everyone was running around figuring out what to do, the guys went over and stomped it out. I called the electric company. Harvey, the neighborhood busy body called an entire fire squadron, who showed up, agreed there was no fire and left.

We are all waiting for power again-and as luck would have it, it hit the transformer, NOT anyone's houses where they would have to pay.

Thanks Anita, for not rolling my car.


Sue's results can back positive, which in this case is not a good thing. Thyroid cancer is "the cancer to get" if you've got to have cancer, but shit shit shit. The C-word is one we all fear.

Rolling that van probably saved her life-the initial problem showed up on a cat scan after a freak accident. Sue was broadsided going 70 mph, rolled the van down an embankment, and walked away without a scratch. However, she had follow up tests that led to this current diagnosis.

I told her that I saw the hand of Anita (Sue's Mom) all over this. Anita was not a subtle woman and rollling and total a van is not a subtle thing. (Anita, if you are communicating from beyond the grave and have something to tell me, please don't roll my car....)

Wow, what a heavy thing the past few months have been. Rolling vans, ripping trees, illness, destruction-what a long strange trip it's been. And yet, I can't shake the feeling that these things needed to have happened in order for us all to move forward.

No head shaving is in order here-but I'm off now to buy a couple of "Fuck Cancer" hats for Sue and I. We'd vowed to wear them last year when I had a callback on a mammogram, but it wasn't necessary. Since then it's been a running joke-"we'll get the hats if...."

My mother says I borrow trouble, but I think there is some grace in being prepared. How many people know exactly what to do when your friend has cancer? (Go buy a hat).

Friday, January 18, 2008


In an effort to cheer up my folks, I suggested I drive them to eat catfish-about 200 miles or so away. It was a long drive, we started at 8 and we ate fish. But no one hurt anyone else's feelings or got particularly bent out of shape.

We were all in the same vibe-bummed out by the cold and trying not to be. And, optimist that I am, I think there is value in trying to cheer yourself up even when you don't quit succeed. I know I feel better because I tried, and not quite defeated because I didn't succeed, because I am sure I will try again, and eventually succeed.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

So lately I've been thinking

...that I'm going round in circles. And I am. But each revolution brings new perspective and new ideas. It's a little like reincarnation, only perhaps a little faster.

And my big ahaaaa of late is that I really do have to give myself a break. Whether I learned it from upbringing, or from society or the media-I'm just too friggin hard on myself. No one could carry the load that I see for myself in my mind. If someone talked to my mother the way I talked to me, I'd kick their ass up around their shoulders.

I'm not quite ready for a warm, cuddly kumbaya moment with myself, but I do need to be a fair and just leader to myself-not just to others. My self talk has managed to paralyze me, locked in to the no win "you aren't any further along than this????" conversation.

I can either have that endless conversation, or I can move foreward. I choose to move.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

The stars impell., they don't compell

I always read my horoscope at the end of the day, well, usually. Today was no exception, but this one kinda weirded me out a bit...because I had a very unusual conversation with my Mom-rational and sane.

She was going on about Oliver, and how I was putting the elder dogs at risk.....(they are at the kennel) and I said, very calmly "Mother, I do know a lot about animal husbandry and I am a little resentful that you are saying that I would put ANY of my animals at risk. I will bring the elders home after antibiotics have had a chance to take effect."

And she shut up-but not in cranky way-we went to water aerobics, had a good time, yadda yadda.

I thought it was strange, made a mental note to try it again....and then read this...

Daily Horoscope by
Wednesday January 16, 2008
Your relationships are on your mind right now -- everything from clients at work to your mate or kids. It's a good time to express your feelings directly, as people are ready to hear just about anything.

Yep, more cold, more ice

Yesterday was a good call. With my clear mind I realized camping during a snowstorm in a brand new trailer is not a good idea. With my clear mind I was able to realize my Mom wasn't yelling AT me cause she had a bad visit with Aunt Lee and Uncle John. I just let her talk and then said "Mom, he's dying, there isn't much I can do, he's going to get worse, not better."

Why that calmed her down, I have no idea. But it did.

Actually, Oliver's puppy wailing has helped me too-I just let him wail if he's warm, safe and dry and I don't get disturbed about it. Eureka. Insight from a dog!

Mom had dual agitations about the weather, dreading it and being angry that I don't like the cold-"You should just go somewhere where you don't have to deal with it, although there are hurricanes and earthquakes....and..." so, I let her wail and then I said "here is where I am, and here is where I'll stay. You have to deal with something no matter where you are, and I have chosen to be here-I knew it got cold when I moved here."

I didn't share my own second thoughts I've had-they are MY second thoughts.

I got a box from Mim and I'm saving the opening for this afternoon after the weather starts. It will be something fun to drive away the sound of the rain (ice)(snow)....

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Drive will you?

I drove to McKinney today to clear my head out. It's pretty empty now, and it feels nice, so I think I'll just leave it that way for a bit.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Monday Musings

I had forgotten how much colder the air gets when you ride a bike at even a moderate pace....brrrrr. When I start riding with my group (the local one) I will have to go back to wearing a helmet, but it was so much fun to ride around the neighborhood in the morning in my jammies. I stopped in for coffee at Mom's, and she was not fooled.

"You are riding around the neighborhood in your pj's" she observed.

"Before they were PJ's they were workout pants, AND I have on a regular out in the world T-shirt on top of my tank top," I countered.

I really WILL put on some street clothes to take Oliver in to the vet. I may even start the week out right by including a bra in the ensemble.

Last Monday I was sitting in Florida waiting to the hospital with Sue and Jay. Today I'm waiting to take Oliver to the vet for his check up. Apparently I'm really good at Doctor visits.

Sunday, January 13, 2008

It could be...

If Oliver's legs get longer and his nose doesn't get any bigger, this is probably close to what he'll look like when he's grown. Now, this dog happens to be a Glen of Imaal Terrier, newly admitted to the AKC. Oliver, is more of the Heinz 57 variety; I have decided to christen him as a "SOKC Scruff". I rather liked the term "Golden Scruff" but I didn't want to belittle any non-golden scruffs, and scruffs should never be judged based on color alone.
Oliver's tale and his tail will move over to Poidogz now, although like everyone else, he'll pop in here often I'm sure. Today he's working on drinking all the goat milk in the house, meeting the neighbors and learning to nap UNDER the morning paper in my lap instead of on TOP of the paper.
I toyed with the idea of doing away with Poidogz, (the blog, not the dogs) but I like keeping the dogs seperate from the midlife crisis. One helps to balance the other. Also, to be brutally honest, I need a place (here) where I can cuss if I want to. Poidogz, with its rescue and save the world leanings, needs to be kept positive, upbeat, and G-rated.
While I do agree with Maya Angelou that we must elevate our language, sometimes, just sometimes I need to drop an F bomb when I feel like it. But I would never EVER in front of Maya Angelou-really I wouldn't. I'd be too ashamed. She is one of those people who just makes you want to be a better person yourself.

Saturday, January 12, 2008

Why? Why Not?

"You have to find something else to do besides take care of people and rescue dogs" my father observed as I showed him my latest "find".

A lady on the next block was practically throwing away puppies-she had two female dogs (looked like Glen of Imaal terriers, aka scruffy) and a male chihuahua in the backyard, and a litter of pups on the ground and a baby of her own due in 6 months. Of course, the girl pups were already spoken for.

I really wasn't going to take one, and then the one I was going to take didn't have a nice personality, but Oliver, the one I took, kept making eye contact and wagging his tail hopefully. He was the lady's son's favorite too, and he really wanted him to find a "good home"...although I could have taken the whole box of pups and they wouldn't have cared. But that kid really did like this little fellow, and it showed in how well socialized he was compared to the others.

No, I can't save them all, so I wasn't going to save any of them. But Oliver just kept staring and wagging his tail.

Neutering him alone will help rid my neighbhorhood of hundreds of potential unwanted dogs. Housebreaking will give him a fighting chance for a forever home. Crate training him will give him an even better chance.

Oliver has his father's tan coat and his mother's scruffy hair. He didn't get any masks or markings like his siblings did. My hairdresser, who works from her built in garage across the street will be delighted that one of the litter found it's way into a place where it will be neutered.

And Daddy IS right, I do have to get off my ass and start generating revenue again. But, while I'm doing it, I can also take care of one more little scruffy dog no one wants.

Daddy sees an ugly dog. I see an old person's face light up at a visit from a scruffy dog, or kids laughing at tricks he could learn. At the very least, I see a lot of unfathered puppies who will never be born, and one dog who will not end up at the end of a needle.

Yes, I believe in everday angels, every day miracles. Today, a free puppy sign caught my eye and I could have ignored it, but I didn't. Sometimes, in the absence of a master plan, you just have to pitch in and do little things to help make the world a better place. And, I think the world will be a better place if Oliver is fed, vetted and neutered.

And yeah, I fully realize I am picking a small thing I CAN do because there are so many big things looming that I can't seem to do right now....but you know what, at least I picked something.

Oh give me a home

Oh give me a home
Where the kitty cat roams
And the kingsnake and cornsnakes play
Where never is heard a disparaging word
And the humidifier stays filled all day

Home Home kind of strange
Full of projects I'll get to someday
Where never is heard a disparaging word
And the humidifier stays filled all day.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Off to the land of my ancestors....

Off to the land of my ancestors, where medical issues, legal issues and paperwork is awaiting me. Ah, yes, all the messiness of real life. Thank God for friends who allow you to escape for awhile into the messiness of THEIR lives-other people's messes are sooooo much more interesting, aren't they?

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Human Contact

Today I met , AKA MIM (my coding is not working today) who is as wonderful in person as she is in the Blogosphere. I sat in the front of the cafe and tried to guess which car was hers-I knew her by the way she parked. She parked with purpose and confidence.

She got out and I was wiggling in my seat like a puppy, wanting to wave, but not sure...then it hit me, WHAT IF I waved at the wrong person? Would the world come to an end? Not likely. So, I jumped up and waved, and lo and behold, it was MIM!

I was so excited to see her. We "talk" more frequently than I do with relatives in my own town.

In grad school one of the things that fascinated me was how people adopt and experiment with different persona's on the "screen". Lately I've become fascinated with all the ways we deceive ourselves in relationships, and believe it or not, I am not taking that notion to a dark place. We have become so adaptable at meeting our needs, that sometimes we, human beings, fabricate reality.

And reality changes with context. I know, for instance, I am my best self on the road-adventuresome, open to new experience. Yet, if I stay gone too long, I begin to withdraw and yearn for my own bed.

Even before we are human, we are living organisms, and change is key to survival. Despite all our clever contrivances, we cannot overcome that. Lately I've come to associated wanting to stay the same with end of life-so maybe it's best we not overcome the need to change.

New Age Family

Tag team is a great concept in kid raising. I have a nasty cold, Sue is recovering from surgery, and Jay works a real job. Yet no one is going unfed or unhugged because whoever can at the moment, does. There is no division of labor along party lines. Whoever has the most energy volunteers for the next task at hand. When energy is depleted, a nap occurs.

Speaking only for myself, I don't feel guilty about the nap either. An hour to close my eyes will give me three hours up and about. Simple math.

It's a little germy utopia.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Ok, I'll be honest here

I love Sarasota. It's full of yoga studios, health food stores and people who like to ride bikes. And it's warm. And, it's probably where I'll end up one day, but not today. Well, it IS where I am today, but I mean today in the sense of the general present and not a point in time.

Mid life has one advantage-in the past I would have been tortured because I want to BE in X but I have chosen to live in Y. No torture today-just a quiet knowledge of where I'll probably go next. No hatred for Oklahoma-it's my ancestral home, where I am know, I am spending time with lots of elders at the moment-NOW is the time for that. I have more time than they do (most likely).

Has the calendar ceased to be my mortal enemy?

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Warm and Sneezy

Bogey has a home, Sue had her surgery, Uncle John fell again but is fine, I have a head cold I'm fighting off with soup, echinaccea and probiotics. Two many days of Starbucks nutrition combined with hospital sitting and sleeping with kids has left my immune system a bit down.

I did get to try the gargling with vinegar thing-it actually works, although the taste is probably as nasty if not nastier than salt water. Still, in the name of science we (I) must try these things. Actually, Sue had a sore throat before she went to the hospital, so I got her to try it first.

Vinegar is the new wonder drug these days. I tried to get Jay to put some on a bug bite-he was somewhat resistant. Men never listen.

Monday, January 7, 2008

Artistic Explorations

I did not bring my laptop with me-it was fabulous to walk through the airport with no baggage! I highly recommend it.

This morning the girls and I explored paper plates as an artistic medium-you can cut them, fold them, draw on them. We made mandalas, totem poles and airplanes. Later we are going to move onto colored construction paper.

Last night Maya, Jay and I took the dogs for a walk. Jay indulged in his habit of picking oranges as he walks...the forbidden fruit is always the best, isn't it?

Maya just got a list from God that said "Deb Cowden is losing and Hannah is winning....". I think this game is stacked against me. Spending time with demented elderly people makes me a suitable companion for children-logical thought isn't really necessary. I gots skills man.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Anyone Want a One Eyed Chihuahua?

Bogey is still looking for a forever home. He has some housebreaking issues, and while I cannot take him, I'm desperate to help because I've never turned away a dog. Dottie, my current one eyed chihuahua is the love of my life-I think Bogey could be the love of someone else's life.

So much in my head

Do you ever get so much going on in your head that you think it might explode? I'm sure you do, we all do. Is that somehow supposed to comfort me now? It doesn't.

I've been stuck in idle now for weeks, WEEKS. The turning of the year has done nothing for my mood or my energy level. And yet, I just keep piling on more todos and projects and schemes and dreams. AAAAAAGH. Stop. Enough.

I believe this is the most uncomfortable I've ever been in my own skin. And yet, it seems to me to be exactly the place I SHOULD be now. Why am I choosing this? Is this a way to personal growth or just a new and diabolical method of self torture?

I'm leaving for Florida tomorrow and part of me wanted to be there last month and part of me doesn't want to leave my living room. What if John takes another turn for the worse-what if Mom goes up to visit him and gets locked in (she's not good with electric locks)...what if Dottie gets worse, what if what if what if...and of course, I haven't painted the red boots yet, and there is so much undone....

Yet, I could sit here on the love seat typing for another millennium and still not come up with any good answers to those or a thousand other questions. Because, those are questions that I don't have answers to or control over. How funny-the things that clutter our minds the most are things that we really can't predict/control anyway.

Yep, time to step away from the madness for a bit, go out, and get a new look at it from the outside. Of course the real madness is with me, but it's kind of hard to leave me behind, and really, I wouldn't want to do that anyway.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Beam Me Up Scotty: The open road...

Beam Me Up Scotty: The open road...

We are going to try this one more time. Me, My Mom, My Aunt Lee, My Cousin Susan, in a truck, my truck, to Aunt Rita's to see the parrots (and Aunt Rita, who is really my mom's cousin).

And strangely enough, I'm pretty excited about it-I mean, it could be really awful, but it could be a load of fun too. I'll let you know.


Beliefnet sent me these 8 Affirmations to Move Past Pain. What struck me was how all 8 pretty much applied to me in some way-are there Universal Pains we all have? And, as a species, why haven't we figured out all the answers and passed them on?

Part of what makes us human is that we focus on the collective as well as the individual-but with all this collective focus you'd think we'd have more answers. The best we can do is divided up into big groups and fight about the answers. Which of course, reminds me about how much I really hate group projects in the first place.

Behold, if you will, Prissy. Prissy does not have an altruistic bone in her body as far as I can tell. She is the living embodiment of the phrase "what's in it for me?" Yet, for all that, she sleeps perfectly well at night and does not fear that she will go to some doggy hell for grabbing all the choice bits away from the older dogs. And she does not need e-mails with suggested affirmations to move past pain. Maybe she's on to something.

Wednesday, January 2, 2008


Jim Mottis an artist on a journey. He's traveling across the country, trading his art for the things he needs to survive. The twist is he paints for the person he is trading with-their lives, their front porches, the view from their windows.

What a wonderful way to both share and grow. To go into a stranger's home and show them that the view from their window is, indeed, art-that is a priceless gift. Sitting here, still stuck in my "who am I, what am I, what should I be doing" rut, the idea of what this man is doing inspires me.

More than that, it comforts me. Someone ELSE went out, did something slightly off key, and the world is still spinning. Oh jeeze, am I really such a sheep?

My Virtual Bike Club is taking off-people are latching onto it to give themselves hope for a healthier new year. And I pedal away myself as I think about riding with my virtual sisters who are also pedaling away.

My local bike club is still in the planning stages, but I'm trying to piggy back on to a city initiative to get some free support/publicity.

My heart does lie on the open road, but for now obligations keep me in frozen Oklahoma. The lesson I need to learn here is to see the art outside my own window.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The Chicken Coop

Sandra and Sol (my neighbors) allowed their daughters to bring back chickens from California. I was delighted, and raced to the backyard with the eldest to fetch a chicken coop (small one) I had. This is not to be confused with my soon to be built urban chicken coop-this was the little chicken coop for the chick I bought to feed Alfred who didn't get eaten. Well, he didn't get eaten right away, and not by Alfred.

IF I am not the only person on the street with chickens, maybe my parents will be better able to cope.

Thus I have remembered a lesson from my youth-the best way to get by with something is to get other people to do it first.


Larry is my cousin Cindy's labyrinth-she planted him to celebrate her 60th birthday at the end of October. Look at him now! He's been eating miracle grow but the jackrabbits have been leaving their offerings for him as well, so he's really taken off.

Happy New Year!

It's here, it's here, a shiny new year!
I'm going to bed now...