Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Lawd Lawd Lawd

My nose is runny, my throat is sore
Lawd Lawd Lawd
Work pissin me off like never before
Lawd Lawd Lawd

I say Lawd Lawd Lawd
Come on Lawd Lawd Lawd

When does a gal get to say "kiss my ass?"

Monday, May 28, 2007

Bricks

From my dementia rescue post:

This group more than most understands how precious memories are. I wanted to wish you all a happy memorial day.

I am making progress towards going home-getting things in order, step by step. My parents need me more than I realized-for instance they asked me when I came on Saturday why I didn't load the truck up since I was driving up anyway. (I can't walk and I don't have any place to put the stuff yet). Rather than get upset, I just blurted out "well, I can't walk and I have no place to put my stuff" and then we all had a good laugh.

Mom and I had fun shopping for necessary items and we finalized the arrangements for Uncle John. Having a unanimous choice of facilities for him was a huge relief to me-ultimately I do have to make the decisions, but this time I enjoyed the help.

We went by my old highschool (US Grant) which is now in rubble-the new highschool has been built. When I couldn't get three bricks with red on them (I am very unsteady on my feet) my Mom went out and got two more for me (I could only reach one).

Those bricks are now precious-not because they came from my highschool, but because Mom and I got them together. Memories are the foundation of who we are.


********************************************************************************

Now, I am not abandoning my midlife crisis. But part of the deal is figuring out who I am, who I was, and where I fit in. Midlife is the tricky part where the rules change all over again.

Remember in Star Trek, the movie, where Kirstie Alley quizzes Captain Kirk about changing the rules so he could pass a test? Maybe Captain Kirk knew something we didn't. Maybe the rules are only the rules if we all agree that's what they are.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Onward

A run up to OKC to get John's place worked out, floors picked out and furniture ordered. A nice steak lunch (thanks Ma) and back home. Well, that took two days actually and I had to use a cane for the last part-I'm beat and ready to lay down to rest.

As for the work thing-there came another evil option in my brain whilst I was on the highway. Has anyone ever seen a great movie called Emperor of the North with Ernest Borgnine and Lee Marvin? Well at one point, the conductor (Ernest Borgnine) got the train moving sooooooo fast he reckoned the hobo (Lee Marvin) oouldn't jump on it. But the smart hobo got ahead of the train and diverted it on to another track-where it was going to go head on with another train. The train made it to a side junction, but had to stop for the other train to pass, and on hopped the clever hobo.

So, that is what I was thinking about when "be the hobo" popped into my head. Let the dumbass speed that train just as fast she wants, but pick my own moment to hop on or hop off. It's her train and her trainwreck, she just doesn't realize it yet (because she won't listen to me).

And that gets back to my baggage observation. It aint my baggage and it aint my train...and by golly, I AM the one who gets to decide that.

Friday, May 25, 2007

Quitting

Quitting and giving the notice only gives the workplace freedom to torture you just that much longer. And yet, I cannot, just simply cannot walk around telling the emperor what nice clothes he has on. Even for the next two weeks. I wish I could, I try to, but it just isn't in me.

For instance, even if I didn't like a person, if they were on a train track, and the train was coming, I'd say "look, the train is coming" and then if they chose not to listen, oh well. But for some reason, a certain idiot is trying to get me to drive the damn train off the track that they are standing on.

It's like "c'mon Deb, drive off the cliff and when you're gone we'll blame it on you".

Today the freak actually tried to threaten me by saying "we'll get someone else to do it if you won't" and I said "fine, you do that.".....but of course there IS no one else so I was not saved from further torment.

The situation is a little bit akin to being asked to slip the needle in your vein AFTER you plan your own funeral. Why would I do that?

Thursday, May 24, 2007

The Cosmic Hokey Pokey

First a funny story. A co-worker brought in a pile of flowcharts he'd printed, there were 5 copies of 4 pages, all out of order. I quickly looked through and then sorted them. The issue my co-worker had with it was that I sorted them face down. When flipped over, they were in the correct order. It was a rainman moment and I really don't understand it. Unlike the movie, I can't bring call the ability at will.

Then a revelation of sorts. A late afternoon thunderstorm combined with a spicey oyster dish and a nap to come up with the mother of all weird dreams. No need to explain the ingredients, I understood where they came from and what they were trying to tell me.

Big whammy one-Forgiveness is something I need to learn right now. No surprise, I've been struggling with it for awhile. Bigger whammy-things that aren't mine to forgive are not mine to dwell on either. I am not responsible for the hurts that other people have put on other people....I didn't do it and I can't forgive it. It just isn't mine. Some of the baggage I've been carrying around for a really long time was empty-it wasn't mine, it never was. I need to let all that go.

Believe it or not-for many women the idea that we are not somehow responsible for every ill thing that befalls those we love is a huge huge revelation. Come on ladies, crawl off the cross or your martyrdom symbol of preference.

Psycho babble says that we make ourselves responsible because we'd rather be in charge than admit we are powerless. There is merit to that-but I think there is also a simpler answer-the world of full of people who will yell and point at you and say "what did YOU do?"

Yes folks, it's the cosmic hot potatoe tactic. Or the I'm rubber you're glue, what (shit) bounces off me and sticks to YOU. Try being the rubber today-don't let other people load down your soul bags with their shit. Remember the bigger whammy from above-if it aint yours, don't tote it around.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Give me this day....

It's sad when you wake up and immediately get a knot in your stomach thinking about how to survive the day. So much to do, so much to unravel. The Boogy Man is at work, the Boogy man also lives in Oklahoma-so many terrors to face-failure, ridicule. Decisions suck.

Why do we have to make everything a right/wrong choice? Why can't it be this is the choice I made, and this is what the result was....no value judgement added.

Time to mentally say "back off-give me space". My home, my office, my birthplace have all suddenly turned into uncharted territory-that happens when you let go of beliefs and other notions you've long held. Hell, people pay thousands to go down the Amazon, and the jungle was right here in my own backyard!

Monday, May 21, 2007

Selling Out?

I am selling the Scotty-my family is deeply concerned about the age of the Scotty, the age of me, and my mechanical abilities. So I put her on the block, in the prime of her life.

Of course, I must ask, what does this mean to me and my midlife crisis? I'm still having one. But it also means that owning THAT particular Scotty is not as important as not worrying the people who love me-if buying a newer trailer to stage my midlife crisis will make them happy, then so be it.

Wednesday, May 16, 2007

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

and the beat goes on....

I took the dogs in a day early so I could prepare for my vacation. Yep, I brought them back too early in the process, but they were wearing Mom out, work is wearing ME out, moving is wearing me out, surgery is wearing me out, hell’s bells, I’m just wore out. I was too tired to take my vacation at Christmas, so I think my previous vacation was in August when we went to California.

Well, the road trip with Sue to pick up the car in October was practically a vacation. It was sort of a vacation with a purpose. We both really needed a big dose of staring vacantly at the open landscape, punctuated with visits with my relatives and the trip to Monterrey Bay. Sue is in Florida this week picking out a house and ordering room service...another vacation with a purpose.

This is probably the longest I’ve gone without vacation in, well, recent history. I am normally a frequent, short vacation person. But life and health and all that intervenes.

My goal now is to get John and I moved in time for me to go on the Noel Campout/Kayak trip. Then I have to find a job. Actually, I may try to freelance, temp work through the end of the year because I have a couple more vacations planned that I don’t want to miss.

Someone asked me if I was too busy to take time to be ME what with all the elderly relatives-but I replied “I’m always me” and my first rule is that I look out after myself. No one has the luxury of me being able to crack up at the moment, so I’m taking careful emotional, physical readings.

Still, moving back to Oklahoma is embarking on a whole new emotional journey, and I am not going to ignore the ghosts from the past issue. But shit, ghosts from the past or unknown future landmines-isn’t it always something?

Monday, May 14, 2007

Lawd Lawd Lawd

It's been awhile
Lawd Lawd Lawd
Kinda stuck today
Lawd Lawd Lawd
Too much to do, too much to say
Lawd Lawd Lawd I say Lawdy Lawd Lawd
How'm I gonna get it all done?

Sunday, May 13, 2007

A very strange tree

Happy Mother's Day

My post to DementiaRescue-a yahoo group:

We all had mothers (else we would not be here). Some of us now are "mothering" our mothers, and for some of us, our mothers are gone.

Mother's day is hard for me-my own mother is fading and I am estranged from my daughter (drugs).

But I choose to make a nice pot of coffee and a nice breakfast for myself and celebrate the creative and caring spirit that is motherhood.

Hallmark doesn't make a card for every situation-find the creativity and love in YOUR situation. And celebrate.
_____________________________________________________________________________


I've actually been making decisions at lightening speed (well for me anyway) and I've purposefully turned off the "reflective" part of me. So my writing has been a little patchy.

Right now the logistics of moving back to Oklahoma are taking over the "what does this mean" part of me. That's a strange part of me-it is the source of many creative solutions, and just as many hellish days and nights of contemplation. But it is part of me-and I'm packing it in the "to go" pile.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

My Assets

A few people at the company are dismayed at my leaving. How touching. Isn't it funny that after all the work I've put into building this life, such as it is, my biggest asset is still me?

I think that's probably a good thing to know.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

What hip cripples wear

God Save The Queen

One of the protocols surrounding the Queen’s visit was not speaking unless spoken to. Another was “when the Queen is finished eating and puts down her fork, no one else may continue to eat.” Did anyone tell the old bat that we pulled away from England a few years ago?

There is respect, and respecting other customs, but when those customs elevate one human being above another-that goes too far. The Queen is just a wealthy old lady-a figurehead, and no real political power any longer. The fact that she insists on following the ancient protocols really makes me think a little less of her. It’s insulting.

The search goes on for a small house, flat yard, good fence, trailer pad for the Scotty in Oklahoma City. The rain continues to fall-so the paint job, restore plans are pretty much on hold. In the meantime, I’m learning to walk again.

In the back of my mind is a pilgrimage to Bristow Oklahoma-to search for unloved and abandoned Scotty’s, and of course, the faint hope that someday I will run across my own first Scotty. But I doubt I would even recognize it.

Monday, May 7, 2007

Change Management

I told Uncle John and I told my parents and their reaction was confirmation enough that I did the right thing. It is the thing that is needed right now.

My friends Jay and Sue are moving to Florida in about the same time period-we're all about the same age and we love to navel gaze and second guess ourselves. And underlying all our angast is Is this the right decision? Am I screwing up?

But I got some good thoughts on my 4 hour medidiation (drive along I 35 to Oklahoma City). First a rebellious thought-So what if we screwed up? It's our screw up and we'll fix it. Then a flash of reality-this is just another in a series of "final answers". We always think our current decision is going to be our last one-probably something we tell ourselves to keep us from freaking out completely.

This morning, whilst heating my burrito-came an even bigger insight. For both of us, if Oklahoma and Florida are wrong, we wouldn't come back HERE. Maybe that's how you know where home is-home is the place you'd go back to if your current location turned out to be a bust.

Friday, May 4, 2007

Diving in headfirst

Oh holy shit-I resigned my position and I’m moving to Oklahoma this summer. The logistics of moving me, 4 dogs, a trailer, a dog kart and kayak, 13 snakes and a 71 year old man with Parkinson’s are a little daunting. But the logistics of juggling all the above, my current job, and elderly parents in Oklahoma City are even more daunting.

Maybe buying the Scotty opened my heart up to the possibility of going back-first in spirit and now for real. Where is that little trailer going to take me next?

Thursday, May 3, 2007

A Cardinal

A beautiful cardinal, the firt one I've seen this spring, just sat up the tree outside my window. This is a pretty amazing tree-a few weeks ago I saw around 100 robin red breasts in it-I've never seen that many all together at once before.

Another miracle-my dogs didn't bark at the grumpy neighbor as he got in his truck this mornng. Strange things are afoot.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Downpour

If the rain keeps up I may have to take the kayak, put it under the Scotty, and build an ark. Then I will sail away with my 4 dogs, 1 cat, 4 gerbils (at last count and 13 snakes.

One of my study interests in grad school (remember, I am the world's best educated highschool drop out) was how the "new" communication mediums affected us-meaning humanity and society. It seems like we need more "exposure"....for instance, I blog instead of journaling. Some of that is ok-we are sharing more-but some of it makes me wonder. Oh, god, here I go sounding old, but I've noticed especially young women seem to feel a need to be the center of attention always and at any cost. People who I KNOW work for an hourly wage and struggle to make ends meet walk around with bluetooth sets hanging out of their ears so they can talk to anyone at any time.

Now if you are shopping for the best bargain on soap and beans, why on earth do you have a $300 THING in your ear? And why on earth would you want one?

I'm one of those weirdos-I love my technology, but I use it for ME. My cell phone is for my convenience, not so you can contact me 24/7 because you have my number and want to talk. Hell, I don't even answer my home phone if I don't feel like talking (or it's my mother). Some of my friends take exception to that, and we are not so close any more. Others are just like me.

Please, if I call you at a bad time, do not feel obligated to answer the phone, and then make us both feel bad because you are trying to get off as quickly as possible. Just let voicemail pick up...I'll tell you if there is something you need to know, I'll tell you if I need just to talk when you have a moment, or I'll tell you I was just thinking of you.

I did hang up on my parent's voicemail today. Yes, my parent's got voicemail, but they didn't tell me (and they didn't record a private message) so I just assumed I had the wrong number.

This whole life in a fishbowl thing just isn't for me. I'm on call at work 8 hours a day-I get paid to answer the phone and answer people's questions. At home, everyone else is subject to caller ID.

It doesn't mean I don't love the caller if I don't answer, it just means I am busy, maybe driving, maybe handling a 10ft python, maybe just following a thought on my blog.

Lawd Lawd Lawd

You were given the wrong hyperlink
Lawd lawd lawd
Got lost in hyperspace
Lawd lawd lawd
Couldn’t find your way home oh lawdy lawd lawd
Too moronic to pick up da phone
Lawd Lawd Lawd
Lawd Lawd Lawd I say lawdy lawdy lawd
E.T. you idiot, phone home.......

Good news

No more walker. I carried it out of the Dr.'s office-Yay! Got the cane back. Funny how one's perspective changes, I disinctly remember blogging about my hatred of the cane. Lawd Lawd Lawd.

Tuesday, May 1, 2007

Could use a little good news

Ankles, pain, layoffs at work, tension of the new "Indian teams" arrival-they are all taking a toll. Sometimes midlife crisis isn't about sudden changes, but just a gradual crushing of weight.

I started to write-I have no idea why I have no energy-and I just listed out a couple of possible causes. I hope a good nights sleep will restore.

Decisions

Buying a duplex is not downsizing, even if you only intend to live in half. My Uncle will never be able to leave assisted living, my parents refuse to move to Dallas.

So, I have to make plans to find a small house and go on alone.....all alone.....just me, the cat, four dogs and 13 snakes, one Scotty, one kayak, one dog cart.

Ok, compared to most people I AM downsized, believe it or not. I will be the first to admit, surrounding yourself only with what you use and or love makes for some strange decor. My house would be a good candidate for one of those makeover shows, but the only improvement would be about 30K worth of high quality show room vivariums for the snakes (they did do that on one show) and I am fresh out of 30K's. That's where the tools came in.

On the Scotty front-it's a good thing I haven't untarped-it's another week long rain. Bah.